Tampons: The New Cheap of Arts & Crafts for Every Holiday Season!

For those of you who are cheap poor during the holiday times but want to do something for decorations, what is the usual fare? For garland strands, you have popcorn, macaroni, paper, and cheerios/fruit loops that tend to be most popular with the kiddies, and if you're seeking to go that extra mile, you can dry apples to make those creepy little figurines, paint rocks, carve cork...the options appear limitless!

....And they certainly are.

I recently discovered an adorable little site, Tampon Crafts, that specializes in low-cost holiday decorative ideas, complete with photo step-by-step directions.

It shows you how to make stuff like the tampon blow gun that's made out of, guess what? Tampons! Pretty creative, but do you really want to blow on that?

You can make bats, Christmas "lights", a turkey, a menorah, snowflakes, bells, Easter bunnies, heart-shaped earrings, cuff links, and even....




A TOUPEE!




My personal favorite is the ghost.



Totally adorable, and then you realize you're looking at a tampon with eyes.


But the creme de la creme of this site, by far, has to be the Pan flute.

There's a video!

The 80's Hair Daze

As with the desire to makeup your face to either attract, accentuate, or alarm, styling your hair can be just as fun and full of fantastic detail or total failure--if you try hard enough.

For whatever reason, the past few days hairstyles of all shapes and sizes have been unnecessarily catching my eye more than usual so I thought I would go through some of the best and worst out there that deserve a fair share of commentary!


Everyone who's anyone should be familiar with the infamous dude from A Flock of Seagulls.



Truly, that damned flop of hair was big enough to be a fifth band member. Esteemed credit must go to Mike Score, the lead singer of the band, who actually was a hairstylist prior to his career in music. To add insult to injury in this commentary on intense hairdon'ts, Score didn't stop with the flop in front, he eventually let it all hang out, and let me tell you, that wasn't any better.


Up next, we have little known disco/electro German pop band Silent Circle, probably best known for the song "Touch in the Night".



If you're daring enough, watch the video. Guaranteed, whether you care to know them or not, one look at the hair of the singer (particularly when he's moving from side to side), and you might make a decision to never revive your personal hairstyle choices of the 80's. Ever. Again.


Dead or Alive. Not the bouncing Asian titty fighting game, the band. I'm sure you remember them for the all-time good song "You Spin Me Round". I'm sure you wish you didn't remember them for frontman Pete Burns' hair.



I'm willing to bet if someone hogtied him and shaved the whole thing off, he'd probably lose five pounds in an instant. Needless to say, the continuously androgynous Burns hasn't stopped in his quest towards maintaining his status as winar for the ultimate hairstyle of yesterday. He just couldn't stop at his head, his nails had to get in on some of that action, too!


Speaking of the androgynous types, who could forget Bowie's bouffant blonde locks in Labyrinth?



Not surprisingly, this hairstyle was quite a hit with the ladies, and they wore it well to every rock ballad super concert they could get their boyfriends to pay for. Guranteed, after a good long sweat, every one of them would lose that precious Bowie-esque fluff in place of a more, used-to-mop-the-floor Taylor Dayne style.


Through all of this, I'm reminded, painfully, of a time when the style known as the "Noose Ponytail" was cool. Or at least, you thought it was cool cause it was on T.V.



If pigtails are a great set of handlebars, would the noose ponytail be considered something akin to a flat tire situation? Mull that one over for a minute.


And, while it is not apart of the 80's, it is wild hair nonetheless, and by far, my favorite.

Bless you, Wayne Static of Static-X. Bless you for staying consistent with your style, from one album to the next.



The guy's got gumption. I certainly can't pull off looking like Abe Lincoln after a fork-in-a-light-socket episode and rock it like no tomorrow. This man can. Props to him. He is my hero.

Plants Vs. Zombies and Red Remover

A little flash-style game from Popcap, the premise of Plants Vs. Zombies is that you plant a variety of defenses made up of plants to ward off a zombie attack. You have pea shooters that attack zombies, sunflowers who bring more sun to grow more plants, and as the game progresses, you get more variety in your front yard, including such things as man-eating plants and psychedelic mushrooms that turn the zombies on your side.

The pea shooters have those little vacant doll eyes that blink every so often, the sunflowers are always smiling, and there's Crazy Dave who sells you things and talks about "Squirdos".

The game moves smoothly and passes the time pleasantly, and if you're feeling mighty girly, it's cute, too. Check it out, it's only a 30mb download, and the "trial" version has plenty to play through, so it's worth the small tug on your bandwidth.


In the other corner we have... Red Remover. Since I felt inspired to talk about Plants Vs. Zombies, I figured I might as well mention the minor discovery I made a few months prior.

Red Remover is, as most sites seem to label it, a "physics remover" game. This is true. Beyond that, it's incredibly simple and incredibly addictive. You have the red boxes that are "miserable" and need to be removed, and you have green and (later), purple boxes that are neutral and need to stay on the screen and act as stable platforms for the green boxes to remain.

While this sounds pretty damn dry, the neat thing about Red Remover is that the first dozen levels are a breeze to slide through, but you want to keep doing more simply because it's easy at first and every time you complete a level, the sound of children going "Yea!" can be heard and you remember the triumphant feelings you had when you heard those sounds when you were a child winning a game. It gives that feeling of simplistic accomplishment, and since it's so easy, what will another level hurt?

Make it to all forty levels, and see how much time has passed. I guarantee that while most of them seem pretty simple, after a while you realize that they're spacial brain teasers which require you to figure out how the physical objects need to maintain their course from point A to point B and that that can get moderately complex if you're not careful and focused.

It's fun, I swear.

Oh, and did I mention that the boxes all have little faces that either pout or smile, which, again, if you're feeling girly, is damn cute to look at.

And Yet Again, I'm Surprised That the Internet Surprised Me

Go ahead, give it a look-see.

Some could consider this fetish art, but that would imply that the artist does this for sexual gratification.

Honestly, I sort of wonder if it's not sexual at all, but instead they're just fascinated with engrossed curves and gigantism...and anime chicks.


My personal favorite. I'm convinced this one will give you nightmares if you stare at it long enough.

Black Lace - Agadoo

I recall the first time a friend of mine heard the "Crazy Frog" song and if memory serves correctly, she said it was shit like that which made foreigners want to bomb America.

Similar in its animosity that it evokes when listened to, this song pulls me into two very harsh extremes.

Part of me wishes to dance like a five year old and drink Shirley Temples.

The other part wishes to bomb the UK for having resurrected and covered a little French cancan song that should never have been unearthed from whence it came beneath the deep dark sludge of failure.

2012 (the film)

Roughly eight or nine minutes prior to the climatic/heartwarming/life-affirming finish to the movie, the celluloid burned. Literally.

If you want to make sense of that, it got pulled close to the light bulb (probably due to being strung hastily or wrong), and began to singe. To save as much as possible, when you see this happen, it needs to be pulled off the loops away from the projector immediately.

Was it some ultimate sign that the end truly is near? A bad omen? Should we stay or go? Well, we waited about five minutes, then they said we could get free passes to see it at another time or wait another six minutes and finish it then.

We chose to stay, and although about two to three minutes were lost (had to be snipped), the film returned, and we got to see the end.

In short, Roland Emmerich's new baby totally got burrrrrned!

And I was there to see it. Epic.



Oh right, how was the movie? Well, it was better than 10,000 B.C., that's for damn sure.

But I liked it, the graphics were good (much better than those WTF-is-wrong-with-those wolves from The Day After Tomorrow), the story worked, it was just as scant on scientific truth as I'd hoped it'd be, and it did it's job. Lots of people were buried, drowned, crushed, and set on fire. John Cusack was...John Cusack.

In short: entertaining. If you enjoyed the awesome badness of The Day After Tomorrow, then you might not mind this.

I still wish I knew what went wrong after Stargate and Independence Day. I have a theory that he and Uwe Boll crossed paths right before the unmentionable Americanized "G" film was made. If you're familiar at all with Emmerich's work, you'll know what the G stands for.

One last thing. If you are indeed familiar with Emmerich's films, I believe it's important to note that unlike his other epic features of the past, the heartfelt we're-gonna-die-but-be-strong-anyway speeches were significantly shorter this time around. He gets an honorable mention for that. He must have figured out that after about a minute and a half, no one cares.

Couch Surfing

Sometimes it's totally helpful to a friend in need, or if in case you're the friend, it's nice to know that someone out there is willing to allow you to become a resident of the furniture.

Either way, for the past week, the weather has been crashing on the couch of the town, and in essence is that type of guest you know is not only overstaying it's welcome, but it isn't pulling its weight around, either.

The 'storm' here is all like "eh, I don't wanna give you rain, can I just, you know, like, hang out for a little while, that cool?"

It's the very kind of couch crasher you hate most, and regret for allowing it to enter your territory.

This is a lazy-ass storm.

Worth a 1,000 Laughs, But Not $1,000 Bucks

During those horizontal dance parties between two people (or more, if that's your thing), there are those experiences that many of us (for those who haven't, you are VERY fortunate otherwise you must not be getting any) wish were only figments of other peoples' imaginations, and that we ourselves never ever experienced.

I imagine that some people who are in the adult entertainment industry probably have those wishes more than the rest of us regular Joe's out there.

How much would you have to be paid to spend a few precious hours of your time with this special guy? [Not work safe]

If you already have...please, have a teddy bear, I don't want to see you cry.

Janet Jackson's Boob Is Hot News Again!

According to a CNN article , I am yet again taken aback by my country's sensitivity.

In short: the Supreme Court wanted to bring it up again, as far as I could tell, because it was important, and they are "re-examining" the case now. Personally, I thought the reasoning behind this was a little vague, but that could just be that I'm writing this on an empty stomach and I just finished a high-intensity exercise regime. You know, so I could get PUMPED!

Anyhow. I decided to brush up on my Jackson intel and take a look.

Here's a clip of the ill-fated performance: "Wardrobe Malfunction"

And here's her 40yr old booby in all it's glory, with some wild jewelry, no less (providing link only for work-safe paranoids around the world!): OMG BREAST

I agree that this is in fact a breast on national television, even if the piercing piece does sort of "mask" the appearence of nipple. However, on any Joe Average family T.V., I'm sure they could see what that thing was just fine.

I think it was purposeful. I disagree that it was CBS's fault. There is this 5 second delay on most live programming, the superbowl did not have it, one of those "didn't consider there'd be a woman's breast on national television" moments from a staff or crew member, from what I gather in the article.

I really doubt that said crew or staff member responsible for bleeps and censor bars knew in advance that this was going to be a part of the show. I mean, unless he was boinking some PA who knew the rehearsal details or something, but beyond that, I'm convinced that while the exposing of the boob was intentional, I don't believe those intentions were made known to the proper people in charge.

This surprises me somewhat. Not so much about the story itself, but more that the Supreme Court thought to bring it up again to better impress upon the networks how they feel about what they consider to be obscene material.

Point in example. Have you seen or heard about the Quizno's commercial?

Watch it. It's only 32 seconds of your time, and not only is it hilarious, it is evidence of the fact that our sensor boards are still very concerned with content. After the commercial aired originally, it was taken off and re-edited so it was less gay--and I mean that in the "HAAAAY SEXY, DAMN YOU A FINE MAN!" way, not "dude, you got fired, that's totally gay" way.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I'll make this quick.

I liked it.

It was too short.

The theater I went to offers two different endings at the end of the credits, one in theater A, another in theater B. I found this out after comparing my experience with my room mate's experience.

Also, happy May Day! Have a margarita!

Lost In Translation

I was confirming for a friend that the song "I Shot the Sheriff" was by Bob Marley originally, and not Eric Clapton.

According to wikipedia, there are three cover versions of the song in Swedish, Ukrainian, and German.

The Swedish and German ones are pretty close (as far as title is concerned), but when I glanced over the Ukrainian one, it read "Who've shitted in the police car".

Oh those wacky Ukrainians!

Did you know Mila Kunis, that chick from That 70's Show and the voice of Meg from Family Guy is Ukrainian? Did you know she learned English from watching TV? Meditate on that.

And since we're on the subject of Babblefish-worthy translations, I was in Germany years ago in a video store, and there, on the shelf, was the film What Planet Are You From? with Gary Shandling and Annette Benning, although their English translated title was Good Vibrations.

If you haven't seen the movie, Shandling plays an alien who comes to earth to impregnate a human woman and his penis vibrates because apparently aliens didn't take into account what ET penis would do if it got a human erection.

So if you meet a man who's member mumbles, be careful, he might be an alien trying to impregnate you with his otherworldly juices. Or, more likely, he's got one of those little vibrating eggs on the underside of his dick and that's just how he rolls.

HAHAHAHA.....but seriously folks....

I went to my LJ account today, and there was an ad block to the right, and I just had to click it. I had to. You understand. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back, right?

Mod Cloth is a cute website that is chock-full of LOLS CLOTHES! The header for the front page is "Mod Retro Indie Clothing & Vintage Clothes."

In it, you will find very good replicas of Bo Derek's "bow" shorts



An outfit that features TWO (count them) TWO pairs of boxers that you wear together to create an outfit dubbed the "Emerald Isle Romper"!



And the "Superhero Metallic Bra"



In Silver!

Amongst other many other amusing items.

In addition to said amusing items, I also found on the same website something truly worth my money and YOUR time.

SPACE INVADERS ICE TRAY MOULDS!

OMG!

And they're ten bucks. They're worth it. Buy them. I know I will, and I'll make Jell-O shots with them too!

Twitter

As with most internet social networking organisms, I usually jump onto the bandwagon late.

I was late with Live Journal and Myspace, having created accounts long after everyone else had, by which time it became no big deal and I liked it that way.

I have yet to find any remotely supportive evidence as to why I need to have a Facebook account, it seems pointless when compared to what I already use.

Live Journal is really just for talking, like this "blogspot" thing is.

Myspace is good for finding people you haven't spoken to in years (and probably don't really care to anyways but you're curious to see if they popped out two kids and divorced their high school sweetheart).

But Twitter? What the hell, people? You get message updates from a social network interface when people update their social network interface? Do you really need to know when someone posts a new entry that is probably about nothing important? Is it so imperative to find out RIGHT NOW as opposed to maybe later? Do you have to be that "in the know" all the time to feel like the day is normal?

Or are you so bored with your time and you just don't know what to do with yourself that you find it "mildly interesting" to see what others are doing instead?

Read a newspaper, read a magazine, I don't know!

Bunch of morons.

Fuck Twitter.

Crank 2: High Voltage

Did you see the first "Crank" movie? Remember? That one with Jason Statham (the Transporter guy) who has to keep his adrenaline up so that he doesn't die?

Did you like it?

No, really, did you really like it, or was it just "a pretty okay flick"?

If you really liked it, if you enjoyed the humor and whimsical, cartooney action sequences, complete with google maps and odd sound effects, (oh, and don't forget titties), then go see the second one.

It's full of more explosions, more titties, more off-color racist stereotype jokes, more awesome, and if you're a fan of David Carradine, he shows up as a hilarious cameo.

Also--if you're a Godzilla fan--there's something special in this film for you, too!

See? All-around good wholesome fun for everyone!

...everyone who can laugh at a stripper's implants leaking out from gunshot wounds, that is.

Jason X

So I was enjoying some good bad movie time with Jason X, a particularly horrible horror film.

When I first saw this film (yes, I did see it in theaters, believe it or not), I raised a question that I haven't spoken about for some time. After seeing the movie again, it prompted me that I needed to bitch about it.

The film starts off with Jason chained up in the center of a room, seemingly catatonic due to being injected with something (as seen in the intro credits). Either way, means it's safe, right?

So they say they got him prepped for cryogenic sleep because they've "tried everything. Electrocution, gassing, firing squad, we even hanged him!"

May I just say for the record that is NOT EVERYTHING!

Why didn't they dismember him? Hack him off in pieces, burn the pieces, call it good? Hell, why didn't somebody just decapitate the fucker? Or better yet, has ANYONE in their right damn mind EVER thought to just blow him up with grenades or something?

I mean, it's not like they were worried about being humane with this guy or anything, no, not at all, not if they've already fried him, snuffed him, given him the lead salad, and squeezed all the air out of his lungs.

You'd think they'd have no problem trying a few other methods, just maybe?

Let me see, I believe, however, there is a real case of one man who holds the title of the "why won't you just die" award. Rasputin. Poisoned, shot four times in the back, beaten severely, and then because he was found with his arms upwards with his hands clawed liked he was scraping his way out, and water was found in his lungs, it turns out that he drowned, too.

When have you NOT seen dismemberment work? Seriously. Any story, works every time. As long as you follow the steps and keep the pieces separated while you burn them individually. But seriously. DISSECTION IS KEY!

The Film "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage

Saw it last night. Good film, you should give it a chance.

If you were interested in seeing The Day the Earth Stood Still with Keanu Reeves and found it not nearly as exciting as you'd hoped, then you might be in the same boat I was when I went to see Knowing.

It turns out there is much more going on in Knowing, lots of action, some really good special effects involving the disasters that occur in the film, and Nic Cage does a fine job in his role as a depressed alcoholic father. Also, the end is satisfying, neat, and offers a relatively fresh idea on a few subjects. I won't spoil it, go see it for yourself.

Overall, I'd give it 3.75 / 5.

Random Photo of the Day

Well they certainly know how to make an argument.

Creme Brulé

I went to one of my favorite restaurants tonight, the dessert special was coconut creme brulé. Eating this reminded me of a rant I thought I'd share with the internet.

It occurred to me that the wiggly, almost gelatinous (without actually having any gelatin) texture of creme brulé is very similar the texture of fat on animals. This got me thinking: what if it was actually delicately warmed fat with a fine crust layer on top?

I know what you're saying: "that's gross, it's not animal fat, duh, it's just cream and burned sugar, you're stupid, where the hell are you going with this?"

Well, imagine if unicorns existed. You'd think that such a magical creature would probably taste damn good, being so magical, that is. Well, we all know that the younger the animal, the more tender and pliant the meat is. With that said, I'd like you think about baby unicorns, and how magically delicious they would taste, too.

In conclusion: I believe that all creme brulé is fashioned from the fat of baby unicorns, because nothing that sweet and jiggly could come from anything else but the best!

A Website to Remind Us All Just How Poor We Really Are

Born Rich is a clever site that reports the latest and greatest updates in the world of the elite, chronicling the production of fancy consumer goods such as fountain pens for $1,500, wedding dresses made of over 2,000 peacock feathers, $7,000 wooden chairs that feature acoustic harp massage therapy, and my personal favorite:

The Radio Flyer, Cloud 9 Edition.



This baby's got brakes, 5-point harness safety belts, cup holders, a digital reader that tracks temperature, speed, and distance, even a dock for an mp3 player. Believe it or not, there's more! Click that link above if you really want to know what $1,000 can buy you, aside from your child/children's unconditional love and happiness, of course :)

It's a FACT!

More bullets were fired in Starship Troopers than any other movie ever made.

However, the credit for the most bullets shot per minute of a movie goes to The Gauntlet, with Clint Eastwood.

Random Photo of the Day

The day your car gets rabies and starts attacking people might be time to think about getting a new set of wheels.

Don't let this happen to you, folks--make sure that all your vehicles have their shots!


In case you're wondering--it's in German, and it says "Please drive slowly."

Worth A Laugh or Two

I've seen this at least a dozen times, and I still think it's funny.

Looks Like the Coast Is Clear

So, the terrifying hacker worm known as "Conficker C" ....never showed.

You know what that means?

APRIL FOOLS!

Get it? Hackers did an April Fool's joke. Computers did not collapse time and space. Our bank accounts are safe! Our homes are secure!

The April Fool's Virus of Tomorrow

CNN.com reports that there is a computer worm called "Conficker C" that will infect computers and monitor keystrokes to obtain personal information--amongst other things.

While the scare is totally possible--it appears that most everyone believes it's just a ploy to get people to purchase fake software capable of "fixing the problem."

Whether or not any of this actually shows up on the news or the 'net waves, just save yourself the aggravation you might feel towards having your computer hacked, and just unplug the damn thing and don't use it for the day.

Or would that be too much for you, like breaking an arm? C'mon, like Stallone says, "DO EHT!"

Random Photo of the Day

Dancing, Heimlich maneuver, helping, or humping?



YOU be the judge!

I Know You've Seen It, We All Have...

Ever glance at a zipper on your pants or your sweatshirt or what have you, and see the three letters "YKK"?

Ever wanted to know what they stand for?

Yoshida
Kogyo
Kabushibibaisha

The world's largest zipper manufacturer.

Random Photo of the Day

The other day I chuckled at this; my co-workers happened to see it, too. Since then, not a day has gone by without a jibe from one or all of them about it.

They've dubbed it the "Prop 8" picture, saying that the panda represents gays and the knight represents California. I know they're just messing with me, but they're relentless about the teasing nonetheless.

Random Quote of the Day

"Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered."

--Al Capp, famous for his comic strip Li'l Abner. More intellectual than you thought, huh?

Superman: Can he maintain enough focus to control the 'mph' of his ejaculation?

Why would I ask that? Well, this is just as good as the questions regarding the Smurfs: are they mammals, do they lay eggs, or do they reproduce a-sexually? That's a good fucking question. ...no pun intended. Pointless, but fun to think about.

So, when Superman is beating the knuckle children, or doing the nasty with Lois, is it lethal?

Superman can control his speed, his strength, his breath, his heat vision, etc. But the sheer act of sex can make one distracted and 'lost in the moment', and if he's as anatomically correct as he looks in that suit, then one might logically assume that to harden his shaft blood must fill the spongy tissue of his penis. Hence, there could be a potential lack in coherency during the act of sex.

As they copulate, Superman is overcome with sensation, his focus begins to wane as intensity increases. Is it plausible to assume that if he's not controlling his every function to the fullest, his sperm could shoot through Lois (like a speeding bullet) through her head, through the ceiling, out of the building, into the sky, and punch a hole in a passing 747 strong enough to cause serious pressure complications?

Well I certainly think so.

In one universe, there's evident proof of this being an acceptable theory: There was a parody comic (The Pro) in which Superman got a blowjob from a prostitute (you should read it). This resulted in him having her move out of the way and he hit a 747 and made it crash.

Alternately, in the actual comics, he's had sex multiple times and nothing's happened, which supposes that he does have the ability to control himself. Or maybe it's just with Lois that this is possible. I leave it in your hands to speculate!

Beautiful Agony

Tired of all the facial expressions in porns being so staged? Know that bitch is faking it? Perhaps you could use a dose of healthy, natural cheek-scrunching climax for personal viewing pleasure.

Or are you just as curious as I was when I discovered one of the many gems on the internet, Beautiful Agony?

There is always at least one free sample (boxed in a red highlight in case you didn't see it right off the bat) and it's quintessentially what you're going to expect. Short (depending on how long THEY take to get their jollies off) clips of people having a good time and filming their "O" face. Enjoy.

World's Largest...

Cheeto Clod? Indeed.



Have you ever bit into a Cheeto puff and noticed that it sort of sank in on itself and juiced out the grease it was maintaining in its fragile porous structure? I wonder how much grease this puppy would yield?

What Are You Going to Lull Your Little One With?

Have one on the way? A fan of some good ol' fashioned NIN? Then this just might be for you!

Rockyabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nine Inch Nails

Just about anyone with a vivid-enough imagination can come up with either very remarkable or disturbing creations, given time and drive to do it. I own this fine piece and it is truly something worth checking out--listen to the samples if you don't believe me. Closer is a particular favorite.

Peaceful, smooth, and, as the editorial review on Amazon states, "...it's made with all the love in the world!"

P.S. It's available for gift-wrap. JOY!

Random Quote of the Day

"Without Batman, crime has no punchline."

--The Joker, Batman the Animated Series; episode: "The Man Who Killed Batman."

Random Photo of the Day

There have been many things we have all viewed at one 'lonely 3:37am' time or another. This is just one of them. A brilliant piece from somewhere in northern Europe, or so I'm told.