First up was The Nut Job, an animateed Canadian-South Korean and U.S. co-production. This uninspired and erratically-driven movie featured a variety of well known actors, such as Will Arnett in the title role, Brendan Fraser, Liam Neeson, and Katherine Heigl supporting, as well as a few choice comedians.
Basically, it's about a selfish dickhead squirrel (Arnett), who gets kicked out of the park for being rebellious to the idea of community by refusing to help in beefing up the food supply for winter since it's dangerously low. And also burning down the oak tree where a bunch of the animals live. Raccoon (Neeson), is boss man and banishes him to the city, where nearby, Asshole discovers a nut shop that was recently acquired by east coast thugs because it's their key to pulling off a bank heist.
The animation was decent. The story was predictable. The characters were all very uninteresting, annoying, or otherwise unlikable, save for the one character that did not speak until it mattered, at the very end of the damn movie. The action sequences were overtly intense and chaotic when you take into account how many times each animal (the main character in particular), would have died because of the damage they went through. The writing of this movie was pretty sub par and the pop culture references were straining to keep you entertained like a child flailing their hands in your face to get your attention. I don't actually know how long production took for this film, but as snooty as it sounds, having PSY's "Gangnam Style" as the notable montage / end credits theme is so past its time. I admit I totally like that song. But I've heard it more than enough in so many different places that I'm good for the next, I dunno, five years at least. When the end credits rolled and a little animated PSY came on the screen to dance and sing with all of the major characters, I was sitting with my arms crossed, frown pasted on my face like Grumpy Cat.
Bottom line: The Nut Job sucked. Plus side: It made the second movie look fantastic!
The second movie, seen much later and after two beers, was The Legend of Hercules, starring Kellan Lutz, who's best known for his role as Emmett Cullen in the Twilight Saga films. Honestly, I'm not kidding, The Nut Job was so bad, it made this teen heart-throb action fantasy film look pretty fucking entertaining in comparison. Kind of like if you watch Chuggo's "C'mon Fuckin' Guy", and then put on a Justin Bieber video (any will do), you'll be able to enjoy it, because it's not Chuggo, and that's saying something.
The dialog (and by extension, the acting), overall was so-so. At some points, it was totally smooth and believable, at others, it seemed forced and uncomfortable, as if the FOUR writers credited with the film were noticeably speaking with different voices for the same characters. However, the actor who played Hercules' human half brother, Iphicles (Liam Garrigan), did a really solid job with his line delivery and persona; he was the epitome of the sniveling, embittered and cowardly brother. He deserves some kudos.
The consistency of the brief slo-mo shots in the action sequences were bridging on out of control, though some of them were perfectly appropriate. A lot of the action scenes were actually pretty cool, but sadly, the film was marketed to a teen audience, and therefore, given a PG-13 rating. Had the film been given an R rating and shown more blood, a dab of gore in the right places, and some titties for good measure, then, man, it wouldn't have mattered how bad the film would be, there'd be some sick action sequences to see! And tits!
Now in case you aren't aware, this takes the story of Hercules in a completely different direction than in the original mythos. He doesn't start off as a demi-god, and instead is just a beefcake badass, and it's only later in the film, when shit really hits the fan and gets real, that he is ready and willing to accept the knowledge that Zeus is his father. Once he does that, he's blessed with the divine power to annihilate his enemies in pretty fucking sweet displays. One being with the tops of stone pillars chained to his wrists, and another with a giant whip made of lightening on the edge of a sword. Spoilers, I know, but like you're really going to go see this film. I highly doubt it. But if you do, the 3D is pretty cool and full of fun things coming at you at the right times, and the action is a lot of fun, if you ask me.
Bottom line: Anything is better than The Nut Job, so The Legend of Hercules was pretty damn entertaining. Could have used more blood and some boobies, but overall, I was totally amused.
The beers might have helped.
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