Machete and The Expendables: It Must be Mah Birfday!

There comes a time in every intelligent person's mind when they find politics cyclically depressing, media coverage is trying too hard (as usual) and philosophical constructs seem overplayed.  It's during this time when brief periods of blood, guns, titties and explosions are seen as more interesting than they were yesterday.

Tonight, I enjoyed the best personalized double feature I've come up with yet!

Machete pulls out all the stops for its entertainment value (see if you recognize the sound effect when Steven Segal withdraws his samurai sword).  You have hot ladies, ample nudity, explosions, guns, blood, unique one-in-a-million chance violent deaths, an appropriately chosen cast, and of course, plenty of machetes.  The director, Robert Rodriguez, has a very kind and giving technique he bestows to his audiences I like to call "Who cares how technically accurate that shit is?  It's fucking awesome!"  If you haven't seen any of his other films, (From Dusk Till Dawn, Desperado, Planet Terror, Sin City, just to name a few) and Machete would be your first, his style has been rather recognizable throughout the years and Machete is a fine example, perhaps his best yet.  Hell, even for the Spy Kids movies, of which he did two (and it seems he's slated to direct the 4th!) you can recognize trace details he likes to work with.

Rodriguez understands what makes an action movie fun and how to apply the "escapism" that the action genre of cinema is all about.  You go into his films expecting to laugh, to be riveted with bad-assery, and awed with gritty dialog and memorable heroes and villains.  And he consistently delivers.  Machete begins with immediate action, and keeps you excited the entire way through, not only rooting for Machete (played by Danny Trejo), but for more blood and fire as well.  

On a minor downside, sometimes Rodriguez's flare for crude and elaborate lines of dialog sounds almost like they were written specifically to incite a rise in the audience as though the scene wasn't enough to do so on its own.  I've often considered that his buddy Tarantino has the same habit.  Sometimes the line works and sounds just as disgusting and intense as it should be and it affects you, and sometimes, you just start thinking, "Yeah, I get it, this guy is one nasty Mo-Fo, lets move on and get him to finish his witty tirade already."  But, as I said, it was a minor qualm, and does nothing to deteriorate the film's superb awesomeness.

The film triggered base instincts of violence and desire, and cleverly (while also overtly) weaved into the plot a hot political issue (immigration)--and made it sound interesting to the layman!  The fake campaign commercials dotted throughout the film were a nice touch, too.  Point in short: This film did its job, and did it damn well!  Rodriguez gets a cookie.

After Machete, I watched The Expendables, which, if you've heard of it, yes, it's exactly what it looks like.  You have a healthy cut of the "oldies but goldies" of action film veterans mixed in with a tasty blend of the more recent generation of action's currently popular set of stars.  And it was directed by Sylvester Stallone, who also plays a lead role in the film, and co-wrote the screenplay.  This film delivers no less of the goods and services any decent action director knows how to offer to his audience.  Being a prominent action hero for decades, Stallone has been around long enough that being a director would mostly likely prove well.  Of course, the Rocky films (he directed four of them, including the last one) were dramas, but they still held a degree of grit and respectable amount of effort, which he pulled off well. Rambo (from 2008) was the same way, simultaneously being hard-nosed, but also entertaining in a demented, "holy shit look at what that .50cal can do to a person!" sort of way.

The Expendables delivered admirably, just as his last two films did.  Where Machete was all about strength in crooked bad-assery and raw, brutal action that came with a fine dose of Mexican spice, The Expendables was all about finesse in fast-flowing choreographed fighting sequences and good ol' fashioned over the top American explosions and automatic shotguns like the AA-12 that rightfully deserve to be called "hand cannons."  It also went outside its respective action movie star box and included some choice scenes between "Stone Cold" Steve Austin of WWF fame, and Randy "The Natural" Couture, of UFC fame, where they go head-to-head and deliver some old trademark moves.

I will say that the character Lacy (played by a well-aged Charisma Carpenter of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel fame) was a bit of a weak plot device to tie in key lines of dialog between Stallone and Jason Statham, but it was so slight of a downside that I didn't care enough to really complain beyond "well that seemed a little forced for plot development."

As Rodriguez had entwined a hot political issue into his film, so did Stallone, bringing about the issue of government corruption to keep a system of control running through such means as a drug cartel.  His style was more on the serious side, but Stallone knows that with a cast that is full of so many big action names, he better deliver some damn good shit or else everyone's going to think he's just being preachy while lacing his soap box statement with a few bangs and booms.  The film's pacing was good, even-metered between series of intense, very well choreographed fighting sequences, and story and character development.  If you find yourself feeling like there's a little too much plot for how many action super dudes are cast, just wait till the final hurrah in the film when EVERYTHING blows up.  Also, although it's brief, the scene between Stallone, Schwarzenegger (yes, it was really him) and Bruce Willis is priceless--if you're familiar with the three and their celebrity pasts.  Stallone once said that he considered both to be enemies--and yet now they're all cool with each other and in fact Stallone and Arnie are totally BFF's.  It is cinema lolz, for those who appreciate it.

Together as two films, I managed to see all of these people kick serious ass, and in turn I give my comments:

Danny Trejo: (Mr. Mexican Bad Ass of Bad Ass Tough Guy University)

Jeff Fahey: (The original Lawnmower Man himself is good at sleazy)

Tom Savini: (You will always be Sex Machine in everyone's eyes I think, but you still rock all the same)

Robert DeNiro: (Wow, you'd think he really was a politician)
Steven Segal: (I have to admit, his last scene got me to give him a nod of commendation)
Cheech Marin: (He may be up there in age, but he's still got it!  Marin for the win!)
Steve Austin: (Good for the wrestling fans, good for the wrestling lolz)

Dolph Lundgren: (Oh Dolph, you so crazy, would ya do it again?  C'mon, that was awesome!)

Gary Daniels: (Good back in the day, still kickin' it old school with style now, high five!)

Mickey Rourke: (Didn't actually kick any ass, however, he's Mickey Rourke, he don't have to, he's just that good)

Jet Li: (Spry as a monkey, calm as a cow, knows how it's done, and does it right!)

Terry Crews: (Is there anything he can't entertain you with?  Didn't think so)

Jason Statham: (Oh you cheeky bah-stud, clever and charming with a knife you say?  Why that's fine, just fine!)
Sylvester Stallone: (You're a genius, man, a true genius.  And at sixty-four no less?  You get a cookie too!)


My only real complaint is that Jean-Claude Van Damme went into retirement from film and was nowhere to be seen, and since he's classic alumni, it would have been nice to have him on board, even if only for a cameo.


In triumphant and long-awaited conclusion (I apologize for getting wordy, but movies are just my thing), both films were highly enjoyable and I recommend them for big-screen viewing.  Why would you deprive yourself of seeing a man fly on a motorcycle from an explosion while firing a mini gun?  Or see a man's body blown in half by a single frag round from an automatic shotgun?  Or Lindsay Lohan in the buff?  All of these things look better on the big screen, I promise.  Do yourself a favor, and go see some good ol' fashioned cinematic escapism.