It's Entertainment, People! A Review for the Film "Battleship"

A year ago, I was doing some fan-lurker research on Alexander Skarsgard, notable for his role as Eric Northman in HBO's series True Blood.  I was avidly wondering what other things he'd done so that I could look them up and stare at his man flesh for as long as the camera allowed.  In doing so, I discovered that he was set to play a supporting role in an upcoming film the following year entitled Battleship, which was supposed to be based upon a Hasbro game.

My brain did an immediate shift from drooling over sexy alabaster manliness and went into the movie nerd deep end, and I immediately sunk the battleship of my attention span (yeah, I went there), into learning more.

I learned very quickly that this film had a hefty budget floating around $200 million (noteworthy: In the U.S., it did rather poorly, but overseas, it exceeded its own budget), that Liam Neeson was going to be in it, that there was definite intent to input elements of the actual game into the film, and to further represent each side of the battle to an extent, so that the audience could get a feel for how the "game" was progressing.  I also learned that it was directed by Peter Berg, who is known for films such as Friday Night Lights, The Rundown, Hancock, and strangely enough, a film that seems out of place to the others which all run in a similar, heartfelt and/or primarily mainstream comedic manner, the film Very Bad Things.  Yeah, I know, kinda weird.

Anyhow, with all of these tidbits of information in mind, I came to a bottom line conclusion: I had three requirements for this film, and if they weren't met, then screw it.  The requirements were, in no particular order:
1) That Skarsgard had to have a moment where his shirt came off.
2) That there would be several Baysplosions (explosions in the film on par with a Michael Bay movie).
3) That somewhere, somehow, someone in the film would mention the sinking of a battleship in some way.

I thought those were pretty fair requests, and really, the most difficult one would have been Skarsgard, since I wasn't certain how'd they tie that one in, but he's got a good chest, so it seemed possible.

Well, I went to see the movie on a nice, lazy, warm Sunday, just after hiking around a forest of graffiti and being stuffed on a mighty tasty quesadilla, so I was in a good mood to begin with.  The film not only met all three of my requirements, but it exceeded my expectations of how they were going to tie in the board game as well.

The film starts off with a playful opening and explains that the main character is a smart dude, but a flake with a lack of direction--something totally relatable to just about anyone who's gone nowhere special with their life, so, obviously, enough people to fill the theaters.  From there, we learn why the aliens show up in the first place.  We send out a giant deep space "Hey, sup?" to a newly discovered planet that has the assumed ability to sustain life because it's in the right spot in relation to its sun, and has a big enough atmosphere.  Aliens show up in a small force of five ships (just like in the game), and decide to lay down a beatin'.

My impression was that it was like the signal sent out was akin to when you're in grade school and you throw a paper airplane love note in the direction of the boy or girl you like and because you don't know how basic aerodynamics work yet, the arrow fatefully B-lines to the class bully instead.  He ignores the tender words in your note entirely, thinks you're stupid, and decides to give you a nasty wedgie because he's bigger than you.  Hearsay has passed around me that there are plot holes, many of which circle around why this is all happening in the first place.  But really, read that sum-up again: not hard to follow.

So the aliens show up to give us a wedgie and take our lunch money, in the process, their communications ship gets busted.  They create the giant protective no-ins-and-outs bubble so they can Macguyver the giant satellites we used to make contact to reestablish communications with their planet uninterrupted.  In this case, the bully can't find his posse and decides to corner his opponent where he's totally defenseless for the time being, hoping that if he makes enough of a spectacle that his homies will show up.  I'm screwing up my own metaphor here a bit, but whatever, you get it.  During this time, there are lots of explosions, lots of people die, and the aliens have these blast shells that look like the pegs from the game that also affix themselves to the ships on impact, also like in the game.  TEEHEE!!!

Since the alien bullies are mad that they're essentially blind due to their own equipment being screwed, they knock out all the electronic radar in the naval vessels, thus rendering the humans "blind" as well.  This of course leads to the humans finding a new way to punch the aliens in the face.  So, enter the amazing plot device: tsunami buoys!  They pull up all the buoys in the area, then look for water displacement (i.e., whenever waves submerge the buoys to a certain point) and use that to track the movement of the alien ships.

Sound like I'm giving most of the film away?  No?  Cool, glad you don't mind.  Yes?  So?  Like you actually give a damn about this gripping example of cinematic genius?  Didn't think so.  Keep reading.

Annnnnyhow, so the film manages miraculously to skate through with utilizing the game board setup, which was pretty damn funny and interesting, especially since I am a big fan of the game.  It was one of the few board games that I was incredibly good at as a child, so therefore it's special to me, and all that is related to it makes me gleeful.

I didn't think it was in any way necessary, but it happened; they show you the aliens.  A lot of reviews apparently slammed this because they were very humanoid.  I dunno, I kind of liked that they looked quite similar, since I think the writers were subtly going for a pitch towards the idea that if they're from a planet remarkably similar in physical setup to ours, then it's not that big of a surprise that they might be designed like us too.  Kind of sounds like bullshit as I write it, but either way, I didn't mind.  It may not have appeared that original, but really, is it so bad that the aliens were bipedal and had a facial structure like ours?  Is it really going to get your panties in a bunch that badly?  Exactly.

The film used a lot of actual Navy veterans as extras, a trend (using military folk) that's been growing in the film industry lately.  There was one veteran who actually got significant screen time, a double amputee by the name of Gregory D. Gadson, who played a crotchety ex-soldier who gets to help out on the land side of the battle, where the aliens are trying to rig the giant satellite dishes.  I really liked the director utilizing real soldiers, as I feel that I can often tell when they are legit or not, by the way of their eyes.  It brings immediate substance to an otherwise nonplus character, and that's a clever trick.  If the audience readily knows that they're looking at a real person and not an actor, then they are more quick to be attached to them.  Bam, good move, Peter Berg.

And, quickly, before I forget, pop singer Rihanna was in it, and she did a decent job.  Her character was not central, but she had just enough oomph behind her that she was interesting and pulled off being a badass quite fine.  In fact, I had no idea it was her (though I did recognize her sort of), until a friend of mine made a crude joke about her.  At one point, she gets backhanded by an alien, and my friend laughs and pointed out how she got "Chris Browned," at which point I suddenly realized who she was.  Ouch.  Also, LOL crude humor!

Bottom line:  It had lots of explosions, loud noises, board game nerdery, a shirtless sexy man, and did what I paid it to do:  ENTERTAIN ME.  I did not go in asking to be mentally stimulated, I did not go in expecting  witty dialogue and a plot that would arrest me with awe and contemplation.  I wanted to see an action movie about a board game.  I got what I wanted.  

Hit.